Januar 2003 bis Mai 2011
Sie war voller Sehnsucht und gesegnet mit einzigartiger Kreativität, Schöpferin komplexer Traumwelten doch auch verflucht durch Angst und Verzweiflung, verfolgt von den Dämonen der Vergangenheit. Sie klammerte sich an den einen Felsen der ihr Schutz und Halt in der Brandung der Realität gab. Schöne, bunte Zeiten gefüllt mit Freiheit, Nähe, Liebe, Abenteuer, Hoffnung - doch durchwirkt von schwarzen, grausamen Flecken. Zeit des Lachens und des Schmerzes. Doch der Felsen blieb. Ihr Griff so fest, dass er unbewusst die Form annahm, die sie vorgab. Langsam, beständig, teile er seine Kraft mit ihr. Zweisamkeit und verborgene Verzweiflung in den Momenten der Einsamkeit. Ein Flüstern hier und da...doch sie flüsterte abstrakt und in fremden Sprachen von ihrem Leid.
Mai 2011-Juni 2018
Zeit der Wagnisse und der Enttäuschungen. Wechselhafte Zeiten voller Herausforderungen. Die reale Welt zeigt sich in üblicher Form, mit anstrengenden, herausfordernden, schönen und schwierigen Momenten durch uns konfrontiert mit grenzenlosem Optimismus. "You would like to run before you can walk". Maybe, but we are strong together, we can do everything, if we do it together...but then the boundaries of reality came along... Self-employment in another country means so much to do, besides creative work.... She still created whole worlds, draw maps, invented species even languages... And I couldn't describe everything regarding the busy real world. I couldn't do that within all the years we had and all the years to come... We had to leave our dreamlands in the west... Relaunch... Oldenburg. Every relaunch needs power, partnership and patience - but too much for 1 alone to bear... Maybe not for 2 as a team but for 1. And again, I had to find a job, a flat... I had to rebuild reality... There was time to recover for her and to get in touch... The weeks of weakness... It took only days and she faded away...little by little... Disrupton...Still no borders for her...Why borders for my love? I trust her! Soon, the time of despair came over me ...the solid rock broke almost apart... unsolved weeks...
Let someone help us I requested but in the end I didn't push her... I accepted (as usual) and trusted her with no doubt! Even after the darkest cloud the sun will come and shine again... Year by year...Little flowers and tiny green branches but still, 1 became stronger and 1 became weaker little by little... I dare to say: The "best" way to put passionate love to sleep is exhaustion/burnout. And still black spots within the white world...Then winter '17 came over her with pain, tears and hidden decisions. She prepared for battle but not the battle within... These times of reality and her dreamlands together were too much for her to bear... Maybe not for the 2 of us, but so often she was "alone" with her deamons in the dark and I was exhausted, numb.... I had to work in the outside world on days and nights... stupid jobs... cut off for hours...She decided to be strong enough..She's changing I thought... maybe fading away again I thought - but she's stronger than in December 2011 I thought...
I was wrong.
Powerless, speechless, the rock crumbles...her grip weak..followed by loneliness accompanied by her old fears again... May 2018: Weeks of disruption... Please, be careful...don't fade away...Speak up, little bird... She screamed almost lost in tears "Trust me, I will not fade away and I will not leave you behind."
I trusted her... I always did since january 2003... silence...only trails of breadcrumbs within the woods of darkness. Her eyes were concealed to hide her true self. Then after having a really nice summer morning together I came back from work - cut! A 180 degrees turn! The end! No talk, no real explanation. No eye-to-eye contact. In the morning the husband and 10 hours later the enemy! The dark phoenix in flames, again.
Time to go back to the most important issue I thought... Come with me! Leave it all behind again... Make the bond strong again...but...she's gone... leaving all behind in tears and ashes. She's the dark phoenix right now. No mortal or unfeeling thing can bind a phoenix. It is your very heart you must give. I did...once powerful - powerless within the last years... All in all for 15 years...and ongoing... Yes, yes... I have to be strong... It's for my best... Now, it's time to recover from weakness...yes, but... I'm afraid the heron's heart is lost...burnt by the dark phoenix and out of the phoenix's ashes came... not a phoenix but a warrior princess...!? And what did she say? Nothing kills love better than betrayal...
And the others? What do they say?
"Oh, it's very sad and it wasn't easy for her but don't worry, she's fine in the end... No, there is no new partner... She said so herself. Ask her and you will see and hear it yourself....
But she lied to me! She doesn't want to speak with me! She doesn't want me to look into her eyes and she can't stay alone...Her special kind of loneliness is not just sad. It is dangerous! She need's REAL friends and she need's an Anam Cara - a consort.
Ok, that means she's fine, in the end? She's stronger now? That would be easy for all of us. An easy solution. They always like such things. They didn't care and still don't care. But do they really know that she never was easy and that she's a phoenix, a writer, a storyteller and a mask maker with concealed eyes?
But if you really love her with your very heart you can see the sorrow and fear inside her.
I want them to see!
I want them to understand!
To save her.
All she ever wanted:
"I just wish they could see".
"I wish them to understand".
It was the plea from a child to her mother, her father, her sister and brothers.
It was the plea from a teenager to her friend and husband.
And it was a plea to all the others she met.
I was the friend and husband for 15 years. She had my sympathies, my trust and my unconditional love but nevertheless even I could not understand.
That's why she had to rip our hearts apart and why she had to destroy the little rest of me. That's why she let me fall into her Abyss of Despair. Rebirth- I had to cross the borderline into the mirror of flames. I had to see the deamons and dark spirits by myself. I had to feel the loneliness and despair by myself.
I was lost. Now I'm changed. I'm back and begin to understand. But... She's gone.
"Nur wer es wagt, zu weit zu gehen, kann herausfinden, wo die Grenzen sind".
Ein Geschenk, Jahre her... Eine von zahlreichen Botschaften, die sie mir gab, alleine deren wahre Bedeutung blieb in den anderen Welten verborgen. Die Dämonen vergangener Zeiten schlafen nicht, sie rasten nur, um kraftvoll zu zertrümmern... Wann?.. wieder...und immer wieder...
Masken haben in der Geschichte der Menschheit eine lange und vielfältige Tradition.
Schon die Ägypter verwendeten reich verzierte Masken in ihrem Totenkult, oder nahmen mit Hilfe von Masken die Gestalten ihrer Götter an. In der Renaissance schuf man sich anhand von Masken gezielt die Möglichkeit, die Grenzen der eigenen Person für eine Weile hinter sich zu lassen.
Und auch in der heutigen Zeit hat das Spiel der Masken nichts von seinem Reiz verloren.